BREAKING: I'm a Democrat

I've been thinking about this long and hard, going over the issues, weighing my options, and I finally realized something. I'm a Democrat. The best thing about this conclusion is that it didn't come from any cynical balancing of electoral prospects, fundraising potential, or media booking consideration. I reviewed the issues carefully and realized that I can hold the exact same positions I do already, not have to do anything about them, or even better, actively work against them, and no one cares! Because I'm a Democrat! It's a huge sense of relief not to have to be held accountable for anything. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before.

I can campaign for middle class tax cuts and demagogue my opponents for trying to raise them...while I raise them.

I can constantly use raising taxes on the rich as a wedge issue without doing anything about it for years.

I can say I support the individual right to bear arms while refusing to defend that position or even state one at all in a landmark court case.

I can run on and promise to close the military prison at Guantanamo Bay, sign an order to do so, then just not do it.

I can campaign against the evils of war and civil rights abuses of my predecessor, while doing worse on literally every single issue.

I can pass "emergency" programs that phase in spending over four years.

I can promise to ban lobbyists from my office, then hire them by the dozens.

I can make wildly inaccurate predictions that if we pass said "emergency" program that the unemployment rate will be 7.5% after a year (it was ~10%) and 5% after four years (it's still 7.7%), but it will end up even higher than I predicted it would be without the program, and people will just make excuses for me.

I can enforce a law while simultaneously deciding it's unconstitutional and refusing to defend it in court.

I can promise that my fancy new health insurance reform will lower premiums, then watch them go up.

I can smoke marijuana in college, promise to have a more compassionate policy toward it later, then keep using my office to oppress and bully people over it even in places where it's legal. 

I can be hailed as a civil rights hero for holding the exact same position that Dick Cheney did three years before. 

I can say that I don't have the power to do something, then do it anyway.

All this because I'm a Democrat! Because no one would ever let a Republican get away with it. This is the life!